Feed My Sheep

There is a funny thing about pastoral ministry in the Mennonite Brethren tradition that has nurtured me into my pastoral vocation, and it's a pattern which I particularly noticed as I listened to the stories of other Mennonite Brethren women who have pastoral gifts as part of my research for my MA thesis. There is a culture that is often presented to women in which we're not supposed to really advocate for ourselves or to be 'pushy' or 'strident'--yet, our gifts for ministry often go unrecognized unless at least to a degree we're able to find a way to advocate for ourselves. It's a bit of a catch-22. (To be fair--this may also be true for men, and for people in ministry more broadly--I happen to have had the privilege of listening to the stories of this particular group of women, and can only speak to my own experience and what I've heard shared by others).

The thing is, I think I'm past caring about being perceived as being too forward or too pushy. So I'm just going to say it. What have I got to lose?

As I have gotten to know myself better, and as I have gotten to know God better over the past couple of years, it has become apparent to me that some of my strongest spiritual gifts are pastoral. I feel like I am most fully the person God created me to be when I'm living into those gifts. I am happiest when I give myself permission to 'just do it' and not to ask for permission or try to exercise my gifts in such a way as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I've had affirmation from my community in doing so. But mostly, as an intuitive person and as someone who is learning to trust my heart, I just know this is what I was made to do.

I'm currently pastoring in a season in which there are so many people around me who have been hurting really, really deeply. And it's sometimes excruciatingly hard to bear witness to the pain and be powerless to stop it--but that's the call. I'm not the Healer--God is. But I am called to be present, to care for the people whom God loves deeply, and to bear witness to God's love for them even in the midst of pain.

And somehow, in the process, I'm learning that it's in exercising my gifts that I also come to understand my God more intimately. I used to assume that spiritual gifts were given in order to make the church more effective in bringing about the Kingdom of God here on earth. Now, I find myself wondering if at least part of the 'gift' of spiritual gifts is that it helps us to understand something about God's nature and character that we couldn't otherwise understand, and thereby experience something of God's Kingdom in the process.

In this challenging season of ministry, I find myself understanding the parable of the lost sheep at a whole different level, as I viscerally experience the longing to leave the safe flock behind to go after my hurting sheep and bring him or her back into the fold. In that experience, I feel like I come to a deeper understanding of God's immense love for each one of God's children.

I have come to a new appreciation of Psalm 23, which has always felt overused to me in the past, as I recognize the truth of the fact that our Shepherd walks alongside us through the darkest valleys--for even when we cannot ourselves sense the Shepherd's presence there, as a pastor I have had the opportunity to witness God's presence in some pretty dark situations even when the person who was hurting the most wasn't able to see it themselves. And I understand God more for having experienced it.

If I'm a pastor, God is the ultimate Pastor. And I think the same is true for other gifts--if my gifts are creative, perhaps they mirror back to me something of God as Creator that I couldn't otherwise know. If my gifts are healing, they draw me into the presence of God as Healer and Great Physician.

Could it be that the gift is that as I exercise the gifts that God has given me, I grow in intimacy with the Giver? And could it be that as we share our experiences of our gifts, that we together gain a richer picture of who God is as the Body of Christ?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!