I Didn't Ask For Your Opinion

Does it ever happen to you--you think of something that you wish you had said hours or even days after the actual conversation has ended? I have read that this is more common among people who have a tendency toward introversion--and as a very introverted person I can attest that this is a common problem for me. Unfortunately, by the time the perfect response comes to me, it's usually useless, and I'm stuck with whatever was the best I could come up with in the moment--usually something wholly inadequate.

Someone caught me off guard last week, at a moment when I was already struggling to manage my emotions (and I'll save for another day my thoughts about the fact that the need to 'manage one's emotions' like this is a reflection of the fact that something's broken in our world--that there is nothing inherently wrong with tears or other visible emotion, that this is not weakness but merely evidence of our essential, beautiful humanity). Regardless, last week was an emotional rollercoaster for me, as I said good-bye to work that I have loved and a community that has become very important to me.

And in the midst of all of that, I had a conversation with someone who I would describe as a respected church leader. In the course of our conversation, he suggested that I would probably not have the right combination of gifts and interests for pastoral ministry, but that my gifts and skills would be suited to many other possible types of work.

In the moment, it was all I could do to keep the tears back and not let him see how much his words had hurt me. Words failed me as I did everything in my power just to keep my composure and wrap up the conversation so that I could leave the room.

But now--now I know what I wish I had said in the moment: "I didn't ask for your opinion."

And because words on paper lack nonverbal messages, let me say that I hope I would have said it politely, with respectfulness and gentleness, but also with firmness.

You see, this man has never taken the time to get to know me. He didn't lead into his pronouncement on my future in pastoral ministry with any attempt to listen to me, hear my story, or ask any questions. He doesn't know nearly enough about me to make an informed statement on this subject. But he chose to offer his unrequested opinion nonetheless.

And, frankly, this is only one of many examples I could give over the years of similar conversations. This sort of experience is unfortunately not an uncommon one for many women who have explored a call to pastoral ministry.

Part of the trouble is that the Church over the years has insisted that the discernment of a call to ministry consists of two components: the discernment of an inner sense of call on the part of the individual, and affirmation of that call by the larger Church body.

So, when a male church leader offers an opinion like this one, it is difficult not to think that this reflects the affirmation of the call, or lack thereof, on the part of the larger Church. It makes it hard for women who are wrestling with whether God has indeed called them to pastoral ministry, especially when none of us wants to be that person who believes they have a call while everyone around them shakes their heads with disbelief, having seen no evidence of the necessary gifts and skills.

But it's my opinion that there is a difference between discernment and offering an opinion. We offer others our opinions all the time: "Yes, that dress looks beautiful on you." "No, I don't like turkey." "I don't think you're suited to this job." Sometimes our opinions are informed, and sometimes they're not.

But discernment is a different thing altogether. Discernment is a practice of the faith community--a seeking of where God's Spirit is active and present. It is careful, prayerful, and intentional. It is a spiritual discipline, a practice that can be done with excellence. It is an invitation to draw near to God--both individually and corporately.

Offering an opinion should not be mistaken for discernment. They are two different things, although I think they are too often confused with one another within the Church these days.

So I'm saying now what I wish I had said then: "I didn't ask for your opinion."

I'm saying it because I need the reminder that I don't have to listen to every opinion that comes my way, even when those opinions come from people to whom the Church has given significant power and voice. I need the reminder that true discernment is still important to me, but I don't have to confuse valuing discernment with giving equal weight to every opinion that comes my way, or to discard years of discernment because of a conflicting opinion.

And I'm saying it because I think too often opinions like this one have silenced people's voices, voices that need to be heard for the sake of the health of the Body of Christ. Maybe if we say it often enough, someday we'll be able to hear an opinion and know that it is only an opinion, and not allow it to hurt us so deeply.

May I always handle my opinions with care.