There was a time, not so very long ago, when I thought that was something that would never be possible for me, a time when I was actively looking for employment as an occupational therapist that would be a "good enough" alternative for the work that I truly felt called to.
A time when I thought I might never be able to be called a pastor again.
And now I have been at my current congregation for three full years--three years of growing to love these people, three years of never wondering when I might ever get the chance to stand behind a pulpit again, three years of finding my voice and growing in confidence in who I am and who God has called me to be.
Three years of my congregation wholeheartedly embracing me as their pastor, and patiently waiting for me to catch up in my own self-understanding with what they already know to be true.
Because these three years were preceded by many, many years of believing that I was not good enough, that I was wrong about my calling to be a pastor, that I was the reason that I was not finding a place to exercise my gifts in ministry. Of being told that if I had the gifts, the church would embrace me in spite of my gender, my marital status, my genealogy.
I am still unlearning what I was taught to believe about myself for so long.
l am grateful for the people who have extended grace and patience to me as this slow, inner work takes place.
I'm sharing this in case there is someone else out there who can relate to this story. Who maybe believes that there is something about them that might not be good enough.
Who might read this and wonder if maybe they just need a space that will believe in them so that they can learn to believe in themselves.
A space that will reflect God's expansive love for all of who they were created to be, not just the aspects that fit well.
Look, we all know that there will be times in life when we try something and it turns out that it isn't really the fit that we thought it might be. No matter how hard I tried, how hard my poor family tried, golf really just wasn't in the cards for me. I'm a great caddy, but hitting that little ball with that long stick is just not a great option for my life.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But sometimes, we need people who wholeheartedly believe in us, who see in us what God sees in us. Who see us as fearfully and wonderfully made, so that we might learn to embrace ourselves in the same way.
Gender, sexuality, ethnicity--who you are is not a mistake.
I'm learning to believe that's true. It's a journey that takes a surprising amount of time, because the other stories I was told are deeply rooted.
If that's you, too, just know that I'm sending all of my love today, and you are not alone.
Three years.
What a gift!
