Four years ago today marks my last official day as Community Pastor at House Blend Ministries--work I'd loved deeply, work that ended fairly abruptly and painfully with the decision to close the organization.
And just over four years ago, I wrote this post describing a conversation I had on that same day with a respected church leader who chose that moment, fully aware of what he was doing, to tell me that I had neither the gifts nor the interests to be a pastor, and that I should look for other kinds of work.
I tried to be kind in the post I wrote as I reflected on that experience, suggesting that if I could go back I wish I would have responded to him, "I didn't ask for your opinion."
Four years later, I want to take another crack at responding.
No pastor or church leader should ever take someone who is experiencing loss and grief, and choose in that moment to compound or take advantage of their emotional pain. That is WRONG. Full stop.
There are plenty of appropriate responses: To sit with someone in their pain, a reminder that they are not alone. To name the hurt. To ask if you might pray for the person. To defer the hard conversation that needs to happen for another day.
Not to do harm. NEVER to do harm.
I wish that I could go back and empower younger me to name his abuse of power firmly and clearly. I wish that I could tell her that it's okay not to prioritize polite and kind and gentle when someone is doing you harm. I wish I could tell her that it's okay to say no, and to get up and leave the situation.
Four years later, I want to go back and wrap younger me in a hug, and tell her this:
He is wrong.
He is wrong to choose this moment for this conversation.
But more than that, he is wrong about you.
This says more about his capacity for healthy ministry than it does about yours.
The hurt you're feeling today is an indication that you did the hard thing as best as you could--you loved the people God called you to love right to the end, and didn't try to shirk this hard work. Well done!
Now is the time to rest. To heal. To care for your own soul.
And when the time comes, hear this, because it's what is really true:
You are called to this work of pastoral ministry. You are absolutely gifted to do this.
Trust your own soul. It knows what it knows what it knows.
